Day 20 - Learning How to Smile

Everclear

2000

Disclaimer: All perspectives, opinions, and memories in this entry are mine and mine alone. Some content is rugged, raw, and - sometimes - NSFW, but it's all authentic and included with purpose.

Why It’s On The List:

If yesterday’s song was the entry I didn’t want you to know about me, then today’s has to be the entry you HAVE to know about me to really know me. I started this project in the winter/spring of 2019 and it wasn't until late fall/early winter when I finally accepted that this song had to be on the list and ultimately added it. It’s so brutally personal.  It’s so brutally me. So much context to this song. Let me get my thoughts in order: 1. Everclear was supposed to be my favorite all time band and they were well on their way to that title when the album “Songs from an American Movie Vol 1: Learning How to Smile” came out in July of 2000. They had a bunch of hits that I already loved (see below) and I enjoyed their California rock vibe. The “Songs from an American Movie” album cemented their status for me and I wore that CD out. It contained song after song after song that I still consume to this day.  Only problem was that, in my opinion, the band ran out of ideas after this album. So many of their songs had been about lead singer Art Alexakis’ troubled childhood and heartbreak. But by 2000, I think he was beginning to become… gulp… happy in life and that can be the death nail for creativity in a lot of artists (see: Sandler, Adam and Matthews, Dave). The next few albums after “American Movie” just seemed emptier and shallower than the band’s previous offerings. Combine that with their increasing “in your face” political leanings at that time and I began to fade from Everclear. (Super important note about me - I have a firm separation of church and state when it comes to politics and entertainment. I know artists, entertainers, and athletes believe they have to use their spotlight and platform to promote their beliefs but I LOATHE it when it happens. I’m here for your talents and creativity, not your politics. I don’t want to hear about it even when someone happens to share my same politics and beliefs. Nothing turns me off faster than political messaging in entertainment.) 2. Just like much of “Polaroid” it was spooky how “me” this song was. The strings and orchestra, the unabashed grandiosity, the way-too-coincidental references to Phoenix, Vegas, and Philly - 3 of my favorite towns on planet earth. And then there’s the actual story of the song and overall concept.

3. But to explain that, I first have to say this: I truly believe that "Fight Club" is one of the most romantic movies ever made.
HEAR ME OUT.

I've always struggled with the movie where the funny guy from the ad agency falls in love with the quirky girl from the bakery only because the script says so.

I like stories where characters fall in love because the other person is the ONLY option.

That's what I love about "Fight Club." Not (just) the machismo brutality of dudes beating the hell out of each other but the genuine love story between Edward Norton and Helena Bonham Carter. Who else was going to put up with those characters, let alone love them?
They were so broken that finding each other put them back together.

I'm not joking or trying to be "hot take-y" or sensationalist for the sake of a reaction here - I'm dead serious: the final scene of that film with them holding hands as they watch the city crumble with "Where Is My My Mind" playing over top is one of the most romantic moments in cinematic history for me.
It was the only possible ending to that story.

Those are the kind of stories I've always enjoyed. I don't need an ending to be "sad" or "tragic" just to be subversive to the traditional "happy." I just want a story to be authentic. If, based on a set of characters' strengths and weaknesses and choices and decisions, the story should end upbeat - so be it. But there have been too many times where a story ends happily just because it is supposed to.

Not for me.

And that's what I love about this song. 

It captures that concept. 

It's the story of two broken individuals that are surviving ONLY because they found each other. If they hadn't, they would certainly be strung out, in jail, or dead.

I like raw. I like rugged. I like real.

Here is a key fact about me that will be on the final exam: I am drawn to things that are a little messy and incomplete only because I’m inherently obsessed with perfection. Dented and damaged negates that obsessiveness and keeps me balanced.

If I can only leave you with one detail about myself during this 40 day journey, that's it.
This song sums all of that up and more for me. It’s a story of a real romance. Not a pretty one. Not a common one. Not even a totally socially acceptable one. But a real one. Authentic and alive. 

--

Maybe it's because I struggle with too much self-awareness. As I mentioned yesterday, my protective shield against the certainty of aging and death has been obliterated over the years and I'm now fixated on getting the most out of life, every minute of every day. This is why we stay so busy. We have to do it all.

Living in the suburbs, we are regularly in conversations about house projects or mortgages or kids' first steps and as much I try to join in, my skin is absolutely crawling the entire time.

We get one crack at this existence and you’re going to spend a Saturday painting the deck?!?!

And I'm not judging anyone. I know I'm the weirdo and the outlier. I would give anything to be able to fit in. I just can't do it.
With my free bandwidth, I want to talk about art and entertainment and life and experiences.

I want to analytically break down the writing and production of movies and TV shows and music, not the mechanics of it but the brain and heart and soul of it... I want to analyze the complexities of a really good wine, learn more about where it's from and what helped make it that way... I want to build fantasy football vision and philosophy. Articulate it and document it... I want to know what you are experiencing and how your experiences have changed you. I've been getting together with a group of guys at a local bar on Thursday nights since 2014 and it’s my favorite night of the week. We ask each other what we call “bar questions.” Hypotheticals and Would You Rathers. It stirs creativity and reveals personality.
Much like a comic-book villain’s transition, mine didn’t happen all at once. But slowly over time, I just started pulling away from the social norms and expectations of suburbia.

I don't think there's any going back now.

Old dogs and new tricks and such.

--

So how do I maintain active participation in the world around me?

So much of my sanity today is due to my wonderful wife. She knows ALL of this about me and either (A) keeps the boring details and minutiae of daily life away from me and/or (B) does an amazing job of preparing me mentally and emotionally for when the dumb stuff is unavoidable. I’m seriously living in a cabin up in the mountains without her.

Summer is my ambassador to society and my interpreter of humanity. 
I was so broken but finding her helped put me back together.

She knows when I’m itching and feeling trapped by normal. She is so good at recognizing it and quietly whispering “baby, let’s just run away.”

Listen to "Learning How to Smile" here:

Favorite Line:

I’ve listened to this song approximately 12,809 times over the past 20 years and without fail, I get so amped up at this portion of the song. It makes me want to drive a motorcycle 300 mph across the desert and just explode into a blaze of righteous fire.  “I can handle all the hell
That happens everyday

When you smile and touch my face

You make it all go away

Yes I know there ain't no finish line

I know this never ends

We're just learning how to fall

And climb back up again

I know there is nothing perfect

I know there is nothing new

We're just learning

How to live together

Me and you

You know I live for the day

*whisper* When you say "baby let's just run away" BOOM. Fireworks. Explosions. Violins. So good.

If You Liked This Song...
Here are some of my other favorite songs from Everclear:
- Santa Monica
- I Will Buy You a New Life
- So Much for the Afterglow
- One Hit Wonder
- AM Radio
- Here We Go Again
- The Honeymoon Song