Day 19 - Polaroid

Imagine Dragons

2015

Disclaimer: All perspectives, opinions, and memories in this entry are mine and mine alone. Some content is rugged, raw, and - sometimes - NSFW, but it's all authentic and included with purpose.

NOTE: I scheduled out the order of these posts back in June/July of last year. It was spooky and/or divine that I was asked to film a video for our church about my mental health journey that would air THE weekend that I had this particular post ready to go for today. I so appreciate that our church has spent so much energy and effort talking about mental health recently - glad that we are willing to have relevant conversations about the real world that we live in.

Why It’s On The List:

I'm a reckless mistake

I'm a cold night's intake

I'm a one night too long

I'm a come on too strong All my life I've been living in the fast lane

Can't slow down

I'm a rollin' freight train

One more time

Gotta start all over

Can't slow down

I'm a lone red rover I'm a hold my cards close

I'm a wreck what I love most

I'm a first class let down

I'm a shut up sit down I am a head case

I am the color of boom

That's never arriving

And you are the pay raise

Always a touch out of view

And I am the color of boom All my life I've been living in the fast lane

Can't slow down

I'm a rollin' freight train

One more time

Gotta start all over

Can't slow down

I'm a lone red rover How did it come to this

Love is a polaroid

Better in picture

But never can fill the void I'm a midnight talker

Oh I'm an alley walker

I'm a day late two face

I'm a burn out quick pace I am a head case

I am the color of boom

That's never arriving

And you are the opera

Always on time and in tune

And I am the color of boom All my life I've been living in the fast lane

Can't slow down

I'm a rollin' freight train

One more time

Gotta start all over

Can't slow down

I'm a lone red rover Oh how did it come to this

Love is a polaroid

Better in picture 

But never can fill the void I'm gonna get ready

For the rain to pour heavy

Oh, let it fall, fall

Let it fall upon my head All my life I've been living in the fast lane

Can't slow down

I'm a rollin' freight train

One more time

Gotta start all over

Can't slow down

I'm a lone red rover Oh how did it come to this

Love is a polaroid 

Better in picture

But never can fill the void

Love is a polaroid Ever hear a song that describes you exactly and perfectly word for word? I can show you the spot on E-470 when I heard this song for the very first time. I got chills because it almost felt intrusive to hear such an inner and deeply accurate description of myself coming through the car speakers.  -- I’m calling this entry on my list of songs “The Turn.” Up until now, I’ve been posting songs that have been connected to some chronological story in my life. From here on out, it will just be songs that are personal to me and the reasons why. So I had to start The Turn with the song that I feel most completely and spookily captures the Josh Mahler experience.  We all spend so much time on the exterior of ourselves. We don’t want people to see the inside scary or crazy or weird. We put on our best faces and use all the correct socially acceptable phrases in our small talk and welcoming pleasantries.  That’s why it was so unsettling to hear these lyrics. It felt like someone was exposing my inner insane asylum over a loudspeaker. That stuff is not supposed to get out. No one is supposed to know THAT.  But it did and here we are. -- I’ve had a few close brushes with death over the years. It was pretty smooth sailing until my stomach illness almost killed me at age 20. While all my friends were feeling vibrant and alive entering their 20’s, I was feeling broken and defeated. Then my mom got breast cancer. She battled courageously and survived, but that process makes you face some startling realities. Then we almost lost Summer during childbirth and then we did lose our baby girl, Quinn, at 20 weeks of the pregnancy due to a hematoma. I believe all of that had built up and I don’t think I ever processed any of it, so by the fall of 2018 I was absolutely consumed by the thought of death. My death. My family’s death. Our dog’s death. Your death. Complete stranger’s death. It was all I could think about all of the time. This is how bad it got: our daughter Kate was born in May of ‘18 and every morning, without fail, my very first thought every damn morning was, “I bet Kate is dead in her crib.”  It was an exhausting way to live, let alone start each new day. So in my mind, there was only one obvious way to stop thinking about death - I had to die. I wouldn’t say I was “suicidal” because I was actually too afraid of dying as ironic as that sounds. But I thought about it all day every day. It finally got too overwhelming to handle on my own so I raised my hand and admitted that I needed help. Normally this would be a thing I would go to a pastor about but that felt odd in my circumstance because our pastor is also my boss. There was no way I wanted him to think, “Ok, my employee is mentally unstable,” so I kept it in as long as I could. As silly as it’s going to sound, it was a TV show that finally broke me. Summer wanted to check out the series premiere of “A Million Little Things” and the opening scene left me in a cold sweat. The show opens with a stripped down cover of my all time favorite song (spoiler alert!) so I was already intrigued. But as the song and scene built to a climax, it ended with a character taking his own life. I physically could not handle it any longer. The next day I reached out my boss, Phil, to let him in on what was going on. Not only was there no judgment or condemnation, he immediately reached out to a local counselor that specializes in working with church leaders to see if he would be willing to meet with me. Phil would never or could never know this but that was exactly what I needed. Someone to see me struggling, validate the struggle, and help me set up an appointment to talk because I would forever be too prideful and stubborn to do so on my own. At the time of writing this, I’ve been meeting with my counselor over a year now and it was the first productive step I took towards better mental and emotional health. I love that he is faith based, but is so well educated in the science and logic of the brain and body. That has resonated with me. The two biggest take-aways so far: 1. He said that every human has an inherent protective shield that helps block against thoughts of death. Sure, we all know we are going to die someday, but this shield keeps us going and healthy. Because of all of my different near-death experiences, my shield had been shattered to pieces over the years. I can’t tell you how validating that was to hear. 30% of my problems were cured just in that explanation. The feeling “crazy” component had been lifted. 2. Because of the trauma, my brain was “all death all the time,” so I was constantly on guard, thus being convinced Kate was dead every morning. He told me whenever I had those thoughts, to audibly respond, “Thanks for the warning, brain, but I’ve got it from here.” Few different keys came from that statement: (A) You were thanking your system for the alert - “appreciate you doing your job!” (B) You’re not heaping shame on yourself - “get it together, dummy!” would not be helpful, and © You’re taking an active ownership step over the situation. You’re not just letting the fear and emotions crash over you like a tidal wave. As ridiculous as that felt for the first few days, I would say that line over and over again every morning. Took about a month, but I have never had the thought that my daughter was dead again since. As helpful as it’s been, would I say that I’m “cured?” Definitely not.  I’m actually writing this now during another week long bout of depression. It’s October of 2019 and I’ve just been bluesy and gloomy for the past week or so. Not so consumed with death right now so I can definitely feel the progress.  I’ve put off writing this entry for most of the year because I knew it had the potential to take me to some darker places so I figured I would write it now while I’m already there. And you know what? It’s helping. There’s something about saying it all out loud. When we keep our scary inside, the enemy can set up shop in our hearts and minds and keep pushing every hotspot button and get us to keep tripping over every obstacle. When we say it out loud, sure there is some vulnerability and uncertainty, but there’s also some freedom as well. Asking God for help, talking to a friend, meeting with a counselor - gets it in the light and now you’re not shouldering the burden alone. That’s why I love this song. It’s get all of my scary out for the world to see and I’m no longer afraid of it or ashamed by it.  All my life I've been living in the fast lane. Can't slow down, I'm a rollin' freight train. One more time, gotta start all over. Can't slow down, I'm a lone red rover. Yep. That’s me. Listen to "Polaroid" here:

While We’re Here:

If you are even feeling sad, scared, hopeless, or any other overwhelming feelings, please reach out to me and I will be happy to listen. I’ve been so blessed by people listening to and validating me, I cherish the opportunity to return the favor to someone else. I can also help get you connected to some professionals as well.  You are not crazy. You are not weak. You are not weird or wrong. And you do not have to go through these thoughts and emotions alone. But you do need to raise your hand and ask for help. Please do so!

If You Liked This Song...
I don't know why but I always lump Imagine Dragons and OneRepublic together (and I mean that as a compliment to both). Here are some of my favorites from both bands:
- Every Night
- Thunder
- Whatever It Takes
- Believer
- I Bet My Life
- Secrets
- Preacher
- All This Time