Fix You
Coldplay
2005
In October of 2008, I wrote about leaving Virginia to move to Colorado when I was in my late 20's. Over sixteen years later, it feels like it’s time to write a letter to that version of myself to give him some updates as we both turn 45 in a couple of weeks.
Dear 2008 Josh,
Most important thing first:
Yes. You did it.
YOU HAVE SEEN THE PHILAELPHIA EAGLES WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!
It was awesome and life-changing and everything you hoped for and more.
Crazy enough - they will be playing in the big game once again in 2 weeks! I'm actually writing to you now to try to keep my mind off of it (We both know it's not working).
You have also seen brand new episodes of a “Frasier” revival (it was really fantastic, but everyone just wanted to be what the old show was, so it got devoured - as all really fantastic things do). Oh yeah, the guy that hosted “The Apprentice” is now the president. And all of existence is basically the plot of “Idiocracy” now but Twitter (excuse me, “X” - don’t ask) is an awesome front-row seat to all of the chaos, so it’s kind of working.
Ok.
Here’s the big news…
You might want to sit down for this.
You have moved back to Virginia.
Voluntarily.
It was actually kind of your idea.
Deep breaths, buddy. Deep breaths.
Let me get you a glass of wine to calm dow- whoops… actually, nope… never mind… more on THAT in a minute…
When you try your best
But you don't succeed
When you get what you want
But not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
I know. You hated Virginia but to be fair, it wasn’t “Virginia” that you hated. It was all the heartbreak and frustration and failure you experienced when you lived here before. You were so happy to get out. You were breaking out of your two-star town. You had the green light. You had a little fight.
You turned this thing around.
Moving away was absolutely what you needed at the time. Your time in Colorado was unquestionably a success. It taught you how to swim in the deep end. It taught you how to grow up.
I know you better than anyone - you are now exactly the person you were hoping to be when you moved away 16 years ago. You would be super proud of the grown-up you’ve become. And you only got there because you had the courage to make the move and figure it all out back then.
Surface level - you still loathe the weather in Virginia and absolutely despise how late sports start on the east coast. Living in Denver really was your golden era for that kind of stuff. No humidity. Sports began at 5pm during the week and football kicked off at 11am on Sundays. And, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but with games starting at 8:30pm now in Virginia, you barely make it to halftime anymore. You actually turn off games and go to sleep and are content to catch the score in the morning.
It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
But you just weren’t happy in Colorado anymore, man.
You made great friends there (that you are still very close to!) but life had just… changed… for everyone. People had moved on (either literally or figuratively) and you spent most of your time the past few years discouraged and irritated.
You were stuck and it wasn’t getting any better.
And so, over the last year, your heart finally started thawing to the idea of something else. Something new.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone
But it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Some more good news: your parents are alive and doing well! But, as time remains undefeated, mom and dad are just older and need a little more time and attention. Dad has actually been in the hospital twice now since November and even had a stroke a few weeks ago.
If you had still been in Colorado, you’d be freaking out and trying to figure out how to get back to see him and probably would have started having conversations with Summer about if you should move back and what to do next.
With both of these hospital visits, it’s been so great that you’ve just already been here. Doesn’t make it easier emotionally, but it has been so much easier mentally and logistically.
And that was the point.
You love watching a game with dad now (even if it doesn’t start until three o’clock in the morning EST now. I can’t begin to tell you how much you still hate this time zone for sports) and catching up with mom more casually and more often than a phone call.
You are consciously aware of making the most of whatever time you have together and it’s super meaningful and rewarding to you.
Also - you and Summer have three amazing kids! Jack is 9 and is super smart and caring and kind and responsible. He’s like having another adult around. Kate is 6 and is so much like you. Independent, strong-willed, stubborn, and sharp. She’s giving you guys a run for your money, but you inherently know exactly how to connect and communicate with her. And, Bellamy is 3. She is so fun and seemingly unencumbered by the stressors of life. You and Summer and Jack and Kate can get so tightly wound, but Bell just keeps everyone loose and happy. As Summer says, she has brought balance to the force.
I know that you moved a lot as a kid, so in Colorado you were BOUND. AND. DETERMINED. to not ever move the kids. Almost to everyone’s detriment. Your steadfast desire to keep them in one place almost boxed all of you into not being able to explore new possibilities and opportunities.
But the good news is that you came to your senses and are now truly devoted to and aware of their well-being. To the point where you are almost overwhelmed with the reality that wherever you live for the next 10-15 years will be super important in shaping who they will be for the rest of their lives.
You did the work. You did the research. You prayed and consulted. You followed the peace.
The kids are currently annoyed with you for moving but you KNOW that this was the right - and best - move for them as they enter their most formative years.
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try
You’ll never know
Just what you're worth
As amazing as Summer was in 2009 when you got married, she’s even more spectacular 16 years later. Making this move has drawn the two of you closer together than you’ve ever been. You are currently enjoying a romantic renaissance that harkens back to your dating days.
She was killing herself in Colorado. She was working 50+ hours a week and was exhausted when she got home. She is the heart and soul of your family, and her spirit was dying there.
You saw it and felt awful.
And so, you felt a nudge to try to help make her life better. With the cost of living being so much cheaper in Virginia, she now has a great job but is only working 24 hours a week. She’s home more. With the kids more. And she seems to be way happier already.
And even with the decrease in her hours, you guys have really never been better off financially.
God has blasted every door open to make it all work. Truly has been blessings and testimonies of biblical proportions.
Your faith has never been stronger than it is right now, and you now see the tangible goodness of God that comes with following His will. It’s not a genie or ATM approach to God, either. It’s not “If I act good then God gives me what I want.”
It’s the joy and contentment and peace that comes from living in His leading.
And, the best part of moving back - and I mean the BEST part - has been your new job.
Totally worth it all so far.
I know you have always felt like a mutt and vagabond professionally. You went to Denver hoping to make it as a journalist. Journalism was a Wild West frontier back then (and hasn’t gotten much better, honestly).
But your writing experience got you a job as a marketing assistant with a non-profit in Colorado. You took on more at that company and became a program manager. That experience led you to become a program manager at another non-profit where you took on more and became the director of operations. You then became the director of operations at your local church and that led you to project management.
Which you adore.
A few years ago, your church did massive audio/visual/lighting upgrades in the building and as the director of ops, you worked with a project manager from a world-leading AVL company. You would come home and tell Summer, “THAT’S what I’d like to do someday.”
At age 42, you made the brave (scary? stupid???) decision to leave the church and pursue project management work full time. You got some really good experience, but you just couldn’t find the right “fit” in Colorado.
But you did in Virginia.
You feel like a fish in water now. You finally feel good and qualified and natural at something.
You are so proud that you took the leap and bet on yourself.
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face, and I
Ok.
Time for the big one.
This one might be even bigger than moving to Virginia.
You’ve stopped drinking.
For the longest time, alcohol really did enhance you. You were fun and funny while drinking. You made parties and social settings better. You liked who you were while you were drinking.
But, either physiologically or chemically, something changed over the years.
You got sloppy. Instead of making parties more fun, you started making parties weird and awkward. You would get really depressed when you drank. Then you started getting really angry when you drank.
You started blacking out and not being able to remember the night before. You would be slow and lethargic for days and days after drinking.
And then it got really bad.
One or two drinks just didn’t do anything for you anymore. You had to have three or four or five or… to even feel anything and, by that time, you didn’t even get a fun buzz - you were just immediately sad and depressed at best or angry and mean at worst.
The day before you started this great new job, you woke up from passing out drunk and saw an empty bottle of wine (that you finished by yourself in one setting) and as you checked your phone you saw that you had blown up on an unsuspecting good friend for absolutely no reason.
And that was it.
That was the line.
You decided that you wanted to be clear and focused at your new job. You wanted to be present and engaged with your family. You wanted to maintain friendships and relationships without having to clean up messes all of the time and wonder if you did something the night before which required any apologies.
You knew you would be facing big decisions about your parents and a new house (it’s awesome by the way) and just life in general in this transition and new era.
You wanted to be free.
Don’t get me wrong. You still hate this. You’re still mad at yourself for not being able to handle it or control it anymore. You’re embarrassed that you let something get a hold of you like that. You really really REALLY miss wine. It’s still your favorite thing on planet earth and probably always will be.
But now that you are a few months removed, you can see how greatly it affected you. And not just the next day but in almost every interaction and phase of life. It really had grown its tentacles deep inside your spirit and it took a while to break those strongholds.
You are quicker to see irritation coming now. You are now able to better sidestep frustrations that would have caused you to implode previously.
You really like that you’re standing your ground on this so far.
The self-control is empowering and is helping your overall self-esteem and well-being.
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face, and I
Here’s what’s been the biggest / best / most effective improvement as you turn 45:
You used to think that whatever move you made would be forever. You always felt like you had to make the EXACT RIGHT DECISION at all times because that’s how your life would look for the rest of your life.
You just don’t think that way anymore.
You really do see life as seasons or chapters or to put it in your way of thinking: the lifespan of a television series.
We had a show where Frasier Crane got married and lived in Boston with friends. Then we had a show about Frasier figuring out family dynamics in Seattle. And then we had a show where Fraiser moved back to Boston and explored the next phase of his life.
You grew up in Virginia. You became an adult in Colorado. You’re now figuring out being a dad and son and project manager back in Virginia.
It’s just how life works.
You spent 15 years in Denver. 15 years from now, Bellamy will be 18 years old. Who knows what happens for you after that? Back to Denver? Someplace new? Maybe you just grow to love it here and stay for your remaining days?
Well.
Maybe not with sports starting so late and all.
But you get the idea.
Sincerely,
2025 Josh
Lights will guide
You home
And ignite
Your bones
And I will try
To fix you
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