Day 17 - My Story
Big Daddy Weave
2015
Why It’s On The List:
If I should speak, then let it be...
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Even though you are getting this song as #17 on the list, this is the last one of the 40 that I wrote. I’ve started it and stopped it hundreds of times over the past year, but could always distract myself with another entry along the way.
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Even though you are getting this song as #17 on the list, this is the last one of the 40 that I wrote. I’ve started it and stopped it hundreds of times over the past year, but could always distract myself with another entry along the way.
I’m out of real estate now.
This is the last one remaining. And I’m letting you know now: I’m writing this one and not even going to edit it or probably ever re-read it ever again.
5 years later, I'm still processing through it all.
5 years later, I'm still processing through it all.
We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant with our first child in March of 2015. I just returned home from a trip to Atlanta with Kevin and Paul and Summer was joking around that she might be pregnant. For whatever reason, I was very matter of fact about the whole situation and responded, “You probably are.” I ran to the convenience store, purchased a home pregnancy test, and within a few minutes, we were elated to find out our first baby was on the way.
As soon as we found out that it was going to be a boy that summer, we knew we were going to name him John Carl Mahler and call him “Jack.” I had been praying for the baby the entire time but now I could pray specifically for Jack.
I kept praying that he would be a warrior for Christ. I feel like so many humans, especially men, have become so timid and passive in this modern world. I don’t want him to be an arrogant asshole, but I do want him to be strong in spirit and confident in the Lord. That was my prayer all summer long.
The pregnancy was cruising by pretty quickly and easily. His due date was in November but at a doctor’s appointment in mid-September, Summer found out that had preeclampsia and Jack would probably be coming mid-to-late October instead.
That was on a Tuesday. Little did we know that he would be here that Friday.
On Thursday night that week, Sum started experiencing some bad shoulder pain so we went to the hospital around 2am. Turns out her mild form of preeclampsia was morphing into a serious form of Hellp syndrome which is dangerous (elevated liver enzymes and rapidly dropping blood platelet count) and the only real remedy for the mother is getting the baby out of her body.
In situations like this one, I’m always trying to take cues on how I should be acting from the trained people around me. Sum didn’t seem like she was feeling great - she just couldn’t get still or comfortable - but the doctors and nurses didn’t seem phased or concerned so I wasn’t either.
Until they were.
All of a sudden there were 10-15 doctors and nurses in our room, getting Summer ready for delivery. It got really loud and chaotic. I started feeling sick to my stomach. Out of nowhere, I saw our doctor come running down the hall and into our room. He seemed serious and even stressed.
I kept trying to ask questions to the nurses around me but everyone was low-key kind of ignoring me. Finally I grabbed our doctor by the shoulder.
“What is going on, man?” I asked.
“We’ve got to get her in to delivery as quickly as possible,” he responded.
“But she’s going to be OK, right?” I asked looking for some assurance.
“Josh,” he said, finally looking at me in the eyes, “If this was my wife, I’d want her in that delivery room as quickly as possible,” not giving me any.
I’m not the smartest guy in the room but I knew what that meant. I’m no dummy. That was pure professional doctor speak for “This isn’t good.”
It was time to go. I tried to get to Summer to say… something, but she was barely coherent and the flock of nurses were entrenched around her as they moved.
I let go of her arm as they went in the delivery room and the doors closed in front of me.
I just stood there in the hallway.
My soul collapsed in that moment.
I’m still going to counseling to this day because of that moment.
I just now started crying again as I relive that moment.
In all my days, in all my situations, in all my stories, in all my experiences, THAT moment is the most quiet, the most scared, the most alone I have ever felt.
I stumbled back in to our room, having no clue what the next few minutes would bring. My life was about to be changed one way or another. The way I looked at it, there were three options facing my immediate future: (1) healthy mom! and new baby!, (2) new baby and no mom??!!, (3) no baby and no mom.
I’m a macro planner and thinker. I would like to think I’m half-decent at my job because I’m always considering all possibilities. I just couldn’t escape the scenarios this time and it felt suffocating.
It’s not that my body couldn’t breathe, in that moment I felt like my soul couldn’t breathe.
I have always had massive fear of abandonment issues. I hate change. I hate when friends move or people pass away.
And this could be the biggest check-mate move of them all.
In my hospital room, I started screaming out to God, “why is this happening!!” and “I can’t do this!!!”
I do not want to exaggerate or embellish this next part, but in that raging sea of fear and chaos and uncertainty, I heard a still, small, almost peaceful voice speak out and ask one single question:
“Even if the worst thing happens, will you still follow me?”
I can take you to the exact spot in the exact room where this happened. In all of that stress, I remember THAT moment more clearly than anything else.
And as crazy as it may sound, I calmed down.
It wasn’t a long debate, either. I took a deep breath and responded, “Yep. I’m all in.”
The next hour wasn’t a fun one but it wasn’t scary anymore. My hope and faith and joy and the rest of my life was no longer hanging on any doctor or medical professionals. It wasn’t even hanging on Summer and her well-being anymore.
Even if the worst thing happened that day or any day in the future, my hope is in Christ and that’s unshakable. Doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen. Just means I can handle it when they do.
After about an hour, the doctor came in to tell me Sum was OK. We hugged. I cried.
We weren’t out of the woods, though. Both Summer and Jack had a variety of hurdles and challenges the next few days. That’s when I started listening to this song, “My Story” by Big Daddy Weave over and over and over and over again.
It got me through that stretch.
I hated that we had to go through this, but if we did, my prayer has been that our story could help someone else.
Summer has gotten to talk to many women in the past few years about preeclampsia and Hellp syndrome. And there was even one case where a mom was able to avoid potential disaster because of some warning signs Sum had given her.
I’m writing about it now. I hate it but I’m writing about it. As I sit here typing, my stomach is in knots and my skin is crawling, but I’m working through it. And I want this story to help someone else if possible.
I think a lot of people think that following Christ means giving up things they care about and therefore they’re going to be miserable like it’s some indentured servitude. For me it’s the opposite - by relinquishing the control of everything to God, I feel free.
One last note - I mentioned above that I had been praying for Jack to be a warrior. As he spent 10 days in the NICU, I would sit next to him and just watch him and pray over him. In a moment of weakness, once again I began asking why this was happening to him. That still voice returned in my spirit and responded, “How do you think warriors are made? By trials. This is just his first trial.”
Then it hit me. I was scared for him. Summer was scared. Our family was scared. But Jack was never scared. He wanted to get out of that NICU so badly from the minute he got there. Every day they would tell us, “OK, we are going to try this new test with him today, but don’t be alarmed when he regresses and it takes a few days to complete.”
He passed every test the very first day they tried it.
My little dude was determined to get out. I love seeing that in him now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not praying for him to experience trials and devastation in his life. But I am praying that the inevitable trials of life will only strengthen him and bring him closer to God.
Can’t wait to see the story of his life as well.
Listen to "My Story" here:
Listen to "My Story" here:
Favorite Line:
Posting the whole song here:
If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't min
If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him
If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave
If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long
If You Liked This Song…
Here are some other songs that I cling to in times of stress, frustration, sadness, disappointment, despair:
Cast All My Cares - I first heard this song from Psalty the singing songbook when I was 5 years old and still sing it to this day.
Draw Me Close - this has always been my "cut out the noise" song when life is feeling crazy and loud
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