Lord, I Need You

CHRIS TOMLIN
2011

I've been listening to this song on repeat since late last night. With everything going on in the world, it had already been a long, difficult week but I didn’t have any clue that it was about to get way worse. As I mentioned in my Top 40, there’s been a group of guys that gets together on Thursday nights for the past few years. We bounce around local restaurants, but one of our regular haunts is a place called The Rock here in Aurora. The owners attend our church and the staff knows us well and takes good care of us whenever we are there.

The Rock has an amazing back patio that is perfect during the summer months. Great views of the mountains, we love hanging out there when we can. So we were on the patio last night and our group was pretty diverse. Five of us are white, one of our friends is black (his parents were born and raised in Africa), one of our friends is Mexican (his parents were born and raised in Mexico) and he had two buddies join him that are both black. 

We love our group and love experiencing life together. We are always learning from each other and growing together. We even spent part of the night discussing the civil unrest happening in the world around us.  Our table was right up against the window and from my seat, I could see into the dining room area of the restaurant. There was a group of 4 people (two males and two females) at the table on the other side of the window. Throughout the night, I kept noticing one of the men looking at our table. It felt like the group was laughing at us and talking about us, but I tried to shake it off. Being naive, I thought there was no way that we were part of their conversation.

I was wrong. It was when one of the guys started making faces at us that I knew exactly what was happening. He would use his finger to push up his nose to make some kind of “pig” face at us. It was at that point that I considered going inside to have a conversation with them to see what was going on. Before I could get up, we noticed the owner of The Rock and our long time, regular waitress talking with that table. The group seated seemed to be animated and heated but the owner and our waitress remained calm and professional. After a few minutes, we saw the owner and a few waitresses walk the group out of the restaurant.  We asked the staff what happened and we were told by multiple staff that, sure enough, the table had been uttering racial slurs and derogatory claims about our table all night. Finally our waitress asked them to stop and they got upset with her and asked to speak with the manager (or, in this case, the owner). We didn’t hear any of the words or phrases directly from that group at the table (probably for the best) but the restaurant staff gave us an idea of the general themes and topics. It was gross. It made my heart break. My heart is still breaking. First of all - kudos to The Rock staff from keeping a bad situation from getting worse. They were super professional and in hindsight - I really felt protected and cared for by them.

That’s why we like that place.

Second - it’s been hard to see the images on the news the past couple of weeks, but if I’m being honest, it still felt far away. So I still kinda felt disconnected to it all.

Not any more.

All of last week, I was having good, individual conversations with my friends of color but to experience such overt racism WITH them was jarring.

One friend said that he doesn’t care about himself but worries about his two young daughters. He knows he can train them and educate them and will do everything he can to protect them, but he knows he won’t be able to stop every incident.

Parenting is hard enough without having to worry about the color of your skin. What an exhausting way to have to live as a parent.

One friend said he thinks about being black every day of his life. “I try so hard to not seem threatening when I go on a walk or come up on a white person.”

What an exhausting way to live as a human being.

After things settled down at The Rock, we asked our friends if that experience is common. One of them said it happens all the time. The events of that night were a “Tuesday” for him.

What an exhausting way to live.

I have never felt so much disappointment and righteous anger in my entire life.

“God created mankind in His image, in the image of God he created them, male and female created them.”

That verse from Genesis doubles down the fact that we are all created in God’s image. No exceptions, not exclusions. Who do we think we are in trying to twist that reality?

What levels of arrogance do you have to live at to think any different?

I’m such a fixer. I want to fix this. We HAVE to fix this. So I feel helpless that I can’t - or we can’t - instantly change this.

Even though I can’t correct all of this in a snap, I’ve been learning a lot of new things. Here are some of my biggest take-aways so far. Maybe they help you. Please tell me the lessons you are learning as well.

1. Slow down. More patience. Everyone seems heightened right now. Everyone. You can feel it everywhere. Everyone has been affected by the events of the past few months. From coronavirus to quarantine to financial impact to now all of the civil unrest. I’ve noticed it on the roads lately. Everyone seems more aggressive and agitated. For my entire life, I've always been an efficient mover. I don’t walk or drive anywhere without thinking about how to do it in the most efficient, quickest way possible. But the past few days, I’ve just been forcing myself to move slower. Take my time. Not get irritated when people in front of me aren’t moving as fast as I want them to. 

2. Act quicker to nudges of injustices. My biggest regret about the incident at The Rock last night was that I didn’t listen to my gut that this table’s interactions with us were racially charged. I knew it from the very beginning but tried to pass it off. “Oh, we are all just heightened right now. There’s no way they are talking about us. They are just drunk.” Kept saying that to myself over and over when I KNEW what was going on. I didn't want to believe it was true. Gotta get over that wish, ASAP.

3. It’s real and it’s happening everywhere around you. Again, as grieved as I’ve been by the events we’ve all been seeing on TV, it still felt far away. In my mind, Denver is pretty progressive. “No way it’s happening this close to home.” Dead wrong. This was around the corner from my house at a neighborhood restaurant. It is rampant and it is spreading. We have to be on the lookout and call it out when we see it.

4. Keep talking. I’ve been engaging in conversations with my friends of color to the best of my ability. My texts have usually started something like: “Well, this sucks. How are YOU doing in all of this.” Then shut the hell up. I constantly feel like I’m going to do the wrong thing or simply trying to squash my own “white guilt” but all of my friends have seemingly appreciated me engaging and we’ve been having really good conversations. If that’s ALL I can do, I will keep doing that. And then keep doing that and then keep doing that again and again. Authentic relationship is the key. If you know someone then you care about someone. If you care about someone, I have to believe that your ability to wish them harm decreases. 

When I feel helpless, I go to this song and this part resonates with me so much right now:

“Where sins runs deep your grace is more

Where grace is found is where You are

Where You are, Lord I am free

Holiness is Christ in me.”

My one defense. My righteousness.

Oh God. How WE need you.

Listen to "Lord, I Need You" here: